June is a boring month in Edinburgh. In Australia, it was exciting because I went to New Zealand, and saw lots of theatre and most people stayed in Melbourne even if they weren't from there because their summer holidays were so short; back in Shropshire, I usually didn't notice because I'd have school or whatever. But when in Edinburgh, well, most of my friends have returned home, especially now that lots of my friends are fourth years and are thus expected to fend for themselves.
On top of this, everyone just seems to be treading water before Fringe: I don't know what people in cities without the biggest Arts Festival in the world during August talk about in the summer, but I admire their conversational capacity because we here in Edinburgh evidently lack it.
I've been trying to think of ways to counteract this ennui at the moment, and mostly coming up blank: I've actually been working everyday this week except for Tuesday, but I'm still at a loose end most evenings. I've tried to get back into taking long walks for pleasure, but working always leaves my feet sore and also makes me extremely tired, even though I very rarely work for longer than three hours (I'm hoping this will fade when I have more experience being on my feet so often). As such, my sleeping pattern has become incredibly jacked up, since I nearly always sleep for at least two hours during the evening, around seven, obviously leading me to go to bed a lot later. As such, I'm awake at really odd hours and have seen a LOT of disturbing things on BBC 3. It saddens me that I am supposedly part of the intended audience for that channel.
In other news, I was waiting for an important email that would decide my future and was extremely, extremely anxious about its contents- I got a stabbing feeling in my stomach, felt weak in the knees and dizzy in my head when I thought about how this email might come back negative and dash my hopes for the future. It made me scared to go online in case an answer was waiting in my inbox, deadly and dismissive and so very, very final. Then the email arrived and everything was fine and I was once again reminded how pointless it is to stress about things over which you have no control and how thinking about them just wastes valuable brain space. If the email had not worked out the way it did, I would just have had to figure out something else to do with my future, and work around it: the sun would still rise and set, I would still be able to smile about things and continue to live.
Sadly, the email I am talking about is not the one containing my final grade for uni, which should be coming any day now and which I am absolutely terrified- like the symptoms described above, but on steroids. I am so happy to check my uni inbox everyday and find it merely brimming with spam and not with a very seminal communication about my education; I'm so happy not knowing, I'd almost be fine if they never gave me a grade and I could just go through life saying I'd graduated from Edinburgh without having to qualify it. And I know it is disingenuous if not downright precious to write that after having just soliloquised about not agonising over things I can no longer influence, but I am just so scared of what could be revealed. Everyone keep their fingers crossed for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment